Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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