i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
