apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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