The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
