this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
