Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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