ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
