I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
