he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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