he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
