I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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