Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize