after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
