it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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