just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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