oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
