I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
