Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
