Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
