Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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