dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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