I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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