i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
