I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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