1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
