The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
