Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the day after is always just damage control
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
A bitchslap is in order.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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