and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize