Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
