So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
