I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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