Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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