i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
