Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
