my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
