I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
