There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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