I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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