11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
