I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
