Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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