Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
