Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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