I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
