We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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