i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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