and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just pee around me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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