i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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