the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize