I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
