I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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