why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
