I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need moral support for this bender
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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