i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The air was thick with penises
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
