My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
