Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
