if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
