have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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