she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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