Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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