If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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